BONDING & BUILDING CLOSENESS WITH YOUR CHILDREN
(updated with book suggestions)
When children are raised with their heart as an open book toward their parents then there is no "generation gap", communication is the key and it is very important. Our children must feel they can talk to us and share their inner most feelings--regardless if those feelings are right or wrong. Instruction without condemnation also plays an important part in these precious talks. They must know that we love them unconditionally and that our love for them is not based on what they do or do not do. Even though, our love for them is unconditional, it is important that they know that. Below are some of the things we have done with our boys to build a loving, close relationship. Some of the suggestions below may seem inappropriate or babyish for older children. It is best to show your children loving attention while they younger, then when they are older, affection and a loving relationship will be quite normal within the comforts of our homes.
- Cuddle on the sofa and read aloud to them.
- Tickle them.
- Have gentle pillow fights.
- Continually remind them that they are "your baby".
- Continually tuck them in at night with a kiss and hug, even when they are older.
- Share things of your past with them. Some examples could be things that you regret or wished you would have handled differently. (Have them explain what they would have done and also what you think that you should have done.)
Explaining what they would have done will relate to them that you value their opinion and that what they have to say is important to you. Another thing is sharing your problems with them and asking for their advice. There are things that are quite small or menial that you can share with them and use that as a tool to hear their convictions and see their problem solving virtues at work while also carefully instructing. The "What would you do?" game is another tool to use, when hearing bad reports, either in the newspaper, in the news, or from general happenings in the world. Try to avoid over-using the word-NO. Instead you can say... "Well, what about this...", "Wouldn't it be better if...", or "But wouldn't that cause...", etc. These are also great times to make sure or prevent your child from being judgmental of others. The world's ways are not God's ways and I tell my children often, that they, the lost or unbelievers, are just acting normal, what can we expect without the Lord in their lives and they need prayer. We must teach them to walk in grace and not be critical or condemning
in any way toward those that live differently and have different convictions or beliefs, or even toward those that have no beliefs or convictions.
In allowing their freedom of expression, we must not neglect the fact of respecting authority. We are their authority and I've seen many that cross that line by allowing their children to, not only be interruptive but also disrespectful to their parents and other adults as well. Another problem I've noticed from the world's teaching is that men or boys do not cry. This is not good and causes them to stifle their feelings and possibly sweep them under the rug, to be tripped over later in life. There is no greater man than one who cries out to God.
One example of the cuddly times at night that I had with my 12 year old was when he had tucked himself in. The covers were all tucked all along the sides of his body nice and tight and he said. "You can't tickle me now." I said okay and kissed him goodnight and his precious reply was... "Aren't you going to try?". Of course I did tickle him and kissed him all over his neck and told him how much I dearly love him. I made a grave mistake with by telling him that he was too old to be tucked in at around the age of 14. It caused a wall of sorts in our relationship at that time. His affectionate hugs were not as frequent. I know some of that was due to age, but I also do know that it did make him feel rejected. I received this insight one night as I was praying for a closer relationship with my boys. If I had only three things that I could go back and do over, changing what I had said to him and not continuing to tuck him in at night would rank #1 on the list.
FACT: Whoever our children are around the most, whether it be their friends or their parents and family---this is where they will learn their morals and values, either good or bad. I was judged or criticized by friends and family alike that I sheltered my children far to much as I kept them continually with me and limited their contact with other children. They both have been home schooled and that made it easier for me to do. But the time did come, when our oldest turned 17 years old, did those same people acknowledge what a fine young man he is becoming. Peer pressure is something that has had an impact on him, as I've seen in other Christian homes, especially concerning the style of clothing we see too often today. He walks with conviction that not only myself, but others admit, that is unheard of by most Christian teenagers at that age. So for what persecution you may be receiving for sheltering your children at this time---Do know that you will reap the fruit of it, if not immediately, you will when it really counts--when they are older and out and about more often in this world. I have been asked what is the secret. My only secret is love and nurture in the admonition of the Lord and some of the things I have shared here. I had them memorize, as well as do copywork for portions of scriptures that have shaped their character over the years and now are a part of who they are. These scriptures have developed and are developing their man-hood far greater than anything I could have done or not done in raising them. The word of the Lord does not return void and will accomplish that which it is sent to do, regardless of our own efforts. That and prayer are the biggest key you will ever find for raising mighty men and women of character.
I've learned to search the scriptures that are applicable and ones that I wanted manifested in their lives. I pray, confess, and speak these scriptures over them in prayer. So they not only memorize them, but they and myself both speak these scriptures. We don't use all of them, all the time and mostly use the ones I feel necessary at the time. The Holy Spirit will bring the right ones to our memories at the right times. Below are some that have been quite powerful in our home.
I have paraphrased them personally as we speak or pray them.
Thank You Father, That You work in me to Will and to Do Your good pleasure. (Phil 2:13) And that I will overcome evil with good (1Thes. 4:15) I will abstain from All appearance of evil. (1Thes 4:22) Thank you Lord that You will establish me and keep me from evil. (2Thes 3:3) Help me to give thanks in all things, (1Thes 4:18) and to cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ and to keep every thought in my mind captive to the obedience of Christ. (2Corin.10:5) Father, thank You for wisdom for every area of my life. (James 1:5) Let my speech be with grace and seasoned with salt--(your word) (Col. 4:6) and let the peace of God rule in my heart. (Col. 3:15) Help me Lord to always acknowledge you in all my ways that you may direct my paths. (Prov.3:6) Take my heart Lord and turn it whosoever way You desire. (Prov.21:1) Help me to hid your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. (Ps.119:11)
In Jesus Name, Amen !
Some of the blessings and rewards for the above prayers are found in Proverbs Chapters 2, 3, 4 and many other places. A proper balance of the word, in teaching them the fear (reverence) of the Lord and His word will be a firm foundation and will grant them much wisdom. (Prov. 1:7) The closer our children are to the Lord and the more they, with our help, develop that relationship; the more open and the closer they will be to their parents. I also pray often that everything that is hidden from me will be brought to light and that I would not be deceived of any of satan's devices against our family. (Matt. 10:26 and 2Corin. 2:11) The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 that our heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. God looks upon the heart. He tests our hearts. There are so many powerful scriptures of what the Lord has to say about our heart. I feel my children's hearts should be that important to me in the same way. The root of all things will be there. Everything boils down to a "heart issue". For whatever is in your heart, it will get in your mouth. (Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.)
The two books we highly recommend to be read and kept on every believer's bookshelf for reference are:
Prayers
That Avail Much
This book by Germaine Copeland is available in Hardback with all three volumes in one. You can also find the Children's Version of Prayers that Avail Much. It shows you examples and teaches you how to pray correctly by personalizing God's word to suit endless different situations.
The Key to Your Child's Heart - This book written by Gary Smalley that I
read when our oldest was very young was indeed one of the key tools the Lord used to teach me many things I would not
have learned elsewhere. It is about keeping your child's heart open towards you with thoughts and ideas that are taught nowhere
else I have seen or read. It would make the perfect baby shower gift for someone you love. It goes out of print often. So grab it when you can!
You may find it used by clicking on the titles of these two books which will lead you to an Amazon search result.
© Caren Cornell
HSTreasures.com
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